New York Snapshots.
Sabrett carts dot the city in a fashion infinitely more irritating than Starbucks. You walk down a block, and you'll see one of these carts with kabobs and big chewy pretzels on display. As soon as you hit another street corner, you'll find another one, selling the same exact shit, with a vender usually sporting a mustache and an annoyed expression. Be forewarned...they jack up the prices the closer you are to the happenin' spots. The same big chewy pretzel that I bought for $1.50 on one side of town came out to $3 near the NBC Studios. Fucking assholes!
This time of year, Coney Island looks fucking AWESOME, and by fucking awesome I mean run down, falling apart, and scary. There are two amusement "parks" along Coney Island, one with the famous Cyclone roller coaster made with wood, and the "Shoot The Freak" game where kids pay money to fire a gun at people running around in "geek" masks, presumably teenagers and presumably earning slightly less than chimney-sweep pay. The beach was pretty, though, and was only disturbing in that I saw a shitload of shattered glass in the sand.
Nathan's World Famous hotdog's live up to the hype, and they probably are the best hotdog's I've ever had. They are crunchy and delicious. White Castle also lives up to the hype, but In & Out is still world's better as far as hamburgers go. Sorry East Coasters!
Speaking of White Castle, don't bother looking for them in a New York phonebook. They're unlisted.
Also, White Castle didn't give me diarrhea, but I did need to shit badly one hour after eating there.
The "Rude New Yorker" is just as real as the "Rude Parisian," meaning not entirely. I encountered only a couple of dickheads in New York, but the vast majority of them were exceedingly polite and helped us find our way on more than one occasion. As we stood like dipshit tourists looking around we had several folks come up and ask us what we were looking for. Even in Harlem, with me wearing a fucking LA cap, we had the stereotypical baggy pants-wearing Puerto Rican help us find a subway station, and was nice until someone in our group fucked it all up by asking where Grant's Tomb was.
I have never in my life seen as many black people as I did in New York, and it gave me jungle fever with the same intensity as folks in the old days got cholera. The only place I know of with sexier black women is Paris.
While in Chinatown I saw a store with a sign that was in Vietnamese. That pissed me off.
I saw the iconic "New York City" shirt that John Lennon wears in that famous picture at a souvenir store. These stores have deals like "Six shirts for $10" and whatnot, and this shirt was basically black text on a plain white shirt. I checked the price on this shirt and it was $20, while more elaborate shirts were much, much cheaper. I gave the shop owner a dirty look and left.
Ellis Island was one of the most beautiful and depressing spots on the trip, and while wandering about I wondered how much bullshit my great grandparents had to go through while having their eyes, income, and intelligence checked.
I hate graffiti with a passion, but New York has the prettiest graffiti I've ever seen. Keep trying, Angelinos.
Not once did I see a single flyer for a club or concert. Also, ads for club nights were nonexistent in The Village Voice and other free weekly newspapers.
Never eat Mexican food in New York. One, it's overpriced; two, it's not very good; and three, there aren't a whole lot of Mexicans in New York. This is according to the Ellis Island race database. I also found out that California has the highest number of Arabs, Armenians, and Kenyans in the whole US. FUCK YEAH!
The second it starts raining vendors pop up out of nowhere with umbrellas. I have to say that I was pretty damn impressed with that.
There is an operating subway where The World Trade Center used to be, and the area around where it used to stand is gated off. There are pictures on display, a timeline, and everything. While I was there I saw plans for the new building that going to be constructed in it's place and it irritated the shit out of me. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to just rebuild the Twin Towers rather than put up some fucking new bullshit. It's not like anyone's going to forget what happened, and honestly, what's the chance that our national security's gonna be so fucked up that someone will slam a couple of planes into it again? Unlike most people, I give the government a little more credit than that.
Walking around Times Square made me realize that we desperately need more gigantic buildings in LA. Those damn earthquakes fuck it up for everyone, though.
There's an "Adopt a Rat" office in Harlem, and when one of our group members said "Adopt a Rat?" out loud a monster-sized rat squeezed it's fat, scrap-filled body out of a gate and visited us, as if the statement were one of intent rather than astonishment.
Jaywalking is a fact of life in New York, and I have never seen so many people walk in front of speeding cars before. I was almost hit three times, and one of the ballsier bitches in our group was constantly in danger of being slammed into, since she had no idea where she was going most of the time and an overwhelming desire to get there quickly.
Cripples have CAR HORNS on their wheelchairs, or at least this one jerk-off did. This may sound like an exaggeration, but I'm telling you the truth here. A fucking man in a wheelchair had a horn which sounded EXACTLY like a car horn and had the same volume, and honked it at my group. With that attitude, I'm glad he can't walk.
Unless you're a student of a New York University, the cocksuckers at the Columbia University library won't even allow you to step inside their library, let alone check out a book. We flashed our Fullerton IDs to no avail. I comforted myself with the lie that they probably have a shitty selection of Joyce books anyway.
Bringing small flags with a sharp spike at the end and lighters to the Empire State Building is OK, but snow globes and mugs purchased at the UN must be checked before entering.
If you are overweight and have a difficult time walking, then don't go to New York. It is NOT fat friendly, and your ass better be ready for some hardcore exercise if you want to avoid getting hit by a car, make it through revolving doors, or survive a single trip on the subway.
Toilets flush clockwise.
This time of year, Coney Island looks fucking AWESOME, and by fucking awesome I mean run down, falling apart, and scary. There are two amusement "parks" along Coney Island, one with the famous Cyclone roller coaster made with wood, and the "Shoot The Freak" game where kids pay money to fire a gun at people running around in "geek" masks, presumably teenagers and presumably earning slightly less than chimney-sweep pay. The beach was pretty, though, and was only disturbing in that I saw a shitload of shattered glass in the sand.
Nathan's World Famous hotdog's live up to the hype, and they probably are the best hotdog's I've ever had. They are crunchy and delicious. White Castle also lives up to the hype, but In & Out is still world's better as far as hamburgers go. Sorry East Coasters!
Speaking of White Castle, don't bother looking for them in a New York phonebook. They're unlisted.
Also, White Castle didn't give me diarrhea, but I did need to shit badly one hour after eating there.
The "Rude New Yorker" is just as real as the "Rude Parisian," meaning not entirely. I encountered only a couple of dickheads in New York, but the vast majority of them were exceedingly polite and helped us find our way on more than one occasion. As we stood like dipshit tourists looking around we had several folks come up and ask us what we were looking for. Even in Harlem, with me wearing a fucking LA cap, we had the stereotypical baggy pants-wearing Puerto Rican help us find a subway station, and was nice until someone in our group fucked it all up by asking where Grant's Tomb was.
I have never in my life seen as many black people as I did in New York, and it gave me jungle fever with the same intensity as folks in the old days got cholera. The only place I know of with sexier black women is Paris.
While in Chinatown I saw a store with a sign that was in Vietnamese. That pissed me off.
I saw the iconic "New York City" shirt that John Lennon wears in that famous picture at a souvenir store. These stores have deals like "Six shirts for $10" and whatnot, and this shirt was basically black text on a plain white shirt. I checked the price on this shirt and it was $20, while more elaborate shirts were much, much cheaper. I gave the shop owner a dirty look and left.
Ellis Island was one of the most beautiful and depressing spots on the trip, and while wandering about I wondered how much bullshit my great grandparents had to go through while having their eyes, income, and intelligence checked.
I hate graffiti with a passion, but New York has the prettiest graffiti I've ever seen. Keep trying, Angelinos.
Not once did I see a single flyer for a club or concert. Also, ads for club nights were nonexistent in The Village Voice and other free weekly newspapers.
Never eat Mexican food in New York. One, it's overpriced; two, it's not very good; and three, there aren't a whole lot of Mexicans in New York. This is according to the Ellis Island race database. I also found out that California has the highest number of Arabs, Armenians, and Kenyans in the whole US. FUCK YEAH!
The second it starts raining vendors pop up out of nowhere with umbrellas. I have to say that I was pretty damn impressed with that.
There is an operating subway where The World Trade Center used to be, and the area around where it used to stand is gated off. There are pictures on display, a timeline, and everything. While I was there I saw plans for the new building that going to be constructed in it's place and it irritated the shit out of me. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to just rebuild the Twin Towers rather than put up some fucking new bullshit. It's not like anyone's going to forget what happened, and honestly, what's the chance that our national security's gonna be so fucked up that someone will slam a couple of planes into it again? Unlike most people, I give the government a little more credit than that.
Walking around Times Square made me realize that we desperately need more gigantic buildings in LA. Those damn earthquakes fuck it up for everyone, though.
There's an "Adopt a Rat" office in Harlem, and when one of our group members said "Adopt a Rat?" out loud a monster-sized rat squeezed it's fat, scrap-filled body out of a gate and visited us, as if the statement were one of intent rather than astonishment.
Jaywalking is a fact of life in New York, and I have never seen so many people walk in front of speeding cars before. I was almost hit three times, and one of the ballsier bitches in our group was constantly in danger of being slammed into, since she had no idea where she was going most of the time and an overwhelming desire to get there quickly.
Cripples have CAR HORNS on their wheelchairs, or at least this one jerk-off did. This may sound like an exaggeration, but I'm telling you the truth here. A fucking man in a wheelchair had a horn which sounded EXACTLY like a car horn and had the same volume, and honked it at my group. With that attitude, I'm glad he can't walk.
Unless you're a student of a New York University, the cocksuckers at the Columbia University library won't even allow you to step inside their library, let alone check out a book. We flashed our Fullerton IDs to no avail. I comforted myself with the lie that they probably have a shitty selection of Joyce books anyway.
Bringing small flags with a sharp spike at the end and lighters to the Empire State Building is OK, but snow globes and mugs purchased at the UN must be checked before entering.
If you are overweight and have a difficult time walking, then don't go to New York. It is NOT fat friendly, and your ass better be ready for some hardcore exercise if you want to avoid getting hit by a car, make it through revolving doors, or survive a single trip on the subway.
Toilets flush clockwise.
posted by Roland Saint-Laurent at 12:31 AM
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