Slap My Bitch Up
A few years ago I remember a friend of mine who I’ve known for years telling me a little piece of "wisdom" about God. He told me, "You know how if you spell ‘God’ backwards, it’s ‘dog’? Well, there’s a reason for that. If you have a dog, and you take care of it and love it and keep it around you all the time, it’s your best friend. It will always be loyal to you. If you hit it, yell at it, or punish it, it will be hurt, but if you call his name, he’ll come running back to you, happy that you still love him. That’s how it is with God, man."
To me, that little slice of warmth seemed to turn God into a simpering slave, not nearly the vicious, vengeful, murdering demon portrayed in The Old Testament. But as soon as I strained out the last bit of holy poison that my friends had always seemed so eager to drench me in, I started thinking about dogs.
Happy dogs. Good dogs.
Man’s best friend.
Prancing about the house, tongue bobbing left and right. Guilty eyes and a droopy expression when it hears anger in your voice. Completely loveable. I’ve heard people say, "If my wife ever left me, all I’d want to keep would be my son and my dog." The most popular pet. Everyone loves dogs. It’s just expected of you to love dogs. If you’re a decent human being, at least.
What about cats? Cats always get a lot of shit. They’re "annoying." They "smell." They don’t come to you when you call them. They have bad attitudes. They scratch and hiss. They aren’t friendly. They have an arrogance about them. "I hate cats. I’m more of a dog lover."
What's the appeal of dogs, I wonder? I have a few dogs, and I adore them, but I just don’t get how high certain people hold their dogs. The American Dream: A nice home, white picket fences, wife always looking pretty with dinner in one hand and a mop in the other. 2.5 kids. And a dog. It’s nice and sweet and American. Women love dogs, men love dogs. Hell, everyone has to love dogs! Except cats. Some cats love dogs, but most don’t. Dogs will tear the shit out of a cat, and that’s unfortunate, but not a tragedy for many. "Poor kitty. I wish Rex hadn’t done that." So the vast majority of cats hate dogs, which I guess is why a vast majority of people hate cats.
To men, dogs are an ideal. A dog will always be there for you, but doesn’t talk. You can beat this shit out of a dog, but it will never leave you. You can insult a dog all you want, and it will only smile at you and lick your face. A dog does what it’s told when it’s trained properly. The dog is the most submissive creature in the animal kingdom. "Bitch," that oh-so-popular slang term given to someone to degrade them is the name of a female dog. Not just any kind of dog, mind you, a FEMALE dog. "That woman is SUCH a dog. I’d never stick my cock in THAT thing." Both "dog" and "bitch" are used to degrade someone, yet dogs and bitches are the most beloved pets in this country.
You "fix" a dog by chopping away his reproductive organs. How can you fix something that nature had a clear purpose for?
We don’t have our darkie slaves anymore. Goddamn government took that away. Now our women are going out and...and...not following orders. You can’t slap a woman the way you used to, can you? Back in the good old days you could give your loved one two black eyes and a broken rib on your lunch break and still expect a nice hot meal when you came home from work. You just can’t do that anymore.
A cat don’t take shit from NOBODY. Fuck with a cat and you’ll have to unhinge it’s claws from your hand. A cat will fight back. Dogs usually don’t. A cat’s first instinct after birth is to hiss and scratch. A dog’s is to whimper and yelp. A cat will leave and come back when it feels like coming back, with no regard for your calls. Dogs have built-in reflexes to run back to you as soon as you spit out it’s name. Cats have no use for whatever you choose to call them, and only after they finally decide that you’re OK will they come to you when you say that word.
Dogs were raised to be degraded, and once it fights back after being viciously teased, they have to be "put to sleep" or "taken care of." In other words, they’re killed because they had a limit to how far they can be pushed. If a cat scratches you or hisses at you, you just throw it outside, like you never really considered it a pet to begin with. "Well, if a dog bites you once, it’ll bite again and again." Just like if your son, who you’ve spent years beating the shit out of, hit you back, he’ll have the confidence to do it again and again. You’ve lost the power to dominate him. You’ll never have it again. You can’t get rid of your son, though. You’ll have to make some changes about how you treat him, because he won’t just take the hits like he used to. Now he has some dignity. And you’ll be goddamned if you let a no-good mangy dog take that power away from you.
People love their doggies.
To me, that little slice of warmth seemed to turn God into a simpering slave, not nearly the vicious, vengeful, murdering demon portrayed in The Old Testament. But as soon as I strained out the last bit of holy poison that my friends had always seemed so eager to drench me in, I started thinking about dogs.
Happy dogs. Good dogs.
Man’s best friend.
Prancing about the house, tongue bobbing left and right. Guilty eyes and a droopy expression when it hears anger in your voice. Completely loveable. I’ve heard people say, "If my wife ever left me, all I’d want to keep would be my son and my dog." The most popular pet. Everyone loves dogs. It’s just expected of you to love dogs. If you’re a decent human being, at least.
What about cats? Cats always get a lot of shit. They’re "annoying." They "smell." They don’t come to you when you call them. They have bad attitudes. They scratch and hiss. They aren’t friendly. They have an arrogance about them. "I hate cats. I’m more of a dog lover."
What's the appeal of dogs, I wonder? I have a few dogs, and I adore them, but I just don’t get how high certain people hold their dogs. The American Dream: A nice home, white picket fences, wife always looking pretty with dinner in one hand and a mop in the other. 2.5 kids. And a dog. It’s nice and sweet and American. Women love dogs, men love dogs. Hell, everyone has to love dogs! Except cats. Some cats love dogs, but most don’t. Dogs will tear the shit out of a cat, and that’s unfortunate, but not a tragedy for many. "Poor kitty. I wish Rex hadn’t done that." So the vast majority of cats hate dogs, which I guess is why a vast majority of people hate cats.
To men, dogs are an ideal. A dog will always be there for you, but doesn’t talk. You can beat this shit out of a dog, but it will never leave you. You can insult a dog all you want, and it will only smile at you and lick your face. A dog does what it’s told when it’s trained properly. The dog is the most submissive creature in the animal kingdom. "Bitch," that oh-so-popular slang term given to someone to degrade them is the name of a female dog. Not just any kind of dog, mind you, a FEMALE dog. "That woman is SUCH a dog. I’d never stick my cock in THAT thing." Both "dog" and "bitch" are used to degrade someone, yet dogs and bitches are the most beloved pets in this country.
You "fix" a dog by chopping away his reproductive organs. How can you fix something that nature had a clear purpose for?
We don’t have our darkie slaves anymore. Goddamn government took that away. Now our women are going out and...and...not following orders. You can’t slap a woman the way you used to, can you? Back in the good old days you could give your loved one two black eyes and a broken rib on your lunch break and still expect a nice hot meal when you came home from work. You just can’t do that anymore.
A cat don’t take shit from NOBODY. Fuck with a cat and you’ll have to unhinge it’s claws from your hand. A cat will fight back. Dogs usually don’t. A cat’s first instinct after birth is to hiss and scratch. A dog’s is to whimper and yelp. A cat will leave and come back when it feels like coming back, with no regard for your calls. Dogs have built-in reflexes to run back to you as soon as you spit out it’s name. Cats have no use for whatever you choose to call them, and only after they finally decide that you’re OK will they come to you when you say that word.
Dogs were raised to be degraded, and once it fights back after being viciously teased, they have to be "put to sleep" or "taken care of." In other words, they’re killed because they had a limit to how far they can be pushed. If a cat scratches you or hisses at you, you just throw it outside, like you never really considered it a pet to begin with. "Well, if a dog bites you once, it’ll bite again and again." Just like if your son, who you’ve spent years beating the shit out of, hit you back, he’ll have the confidence to do it again and again. You’ve lost the power to dominate him. You’ll never have it again. You can’t get rid of your son, though. You’ll have to make some changes about how you treat him, because he won’t just take the hits like he used to. Now he has some dignity. And you’ll be goddamned if you let a no-good mangy dog take that power away from you.
People love their doggies.
posted by Roland Saint-Laurent at 2:58 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home